One day Jen texted me about you. I was asking for for every details of you whenever you’re in school. She said you were always fine and pretty. No wonder my roommate knows you by face. Jen said someone’s been seeing you in school. It’s too late for me to realize that the other guy next to you whenever we talk in church is your ______. Could have it been? Was i too late? I think i was. It was just like yesterday – you’re still you. Now he’s been back to your life. And rain fell endlessly, for the clouds, the sky, the heavens above – they grieve for me. I never had love in my hands, i let go of an unfulfilled dream, i let go of a chance, i let go of what was not mine. .
Yet life continued. I never really felt so sad about it (now). It’s not that i don’t care about you. In fact thoughts of you consume much of my study hours – even up to this very moment. Silly! Whenever it’s Saturday night, you get me all excited. I will again see my “friend” the next morning in church.
One time i was having my lunch at a mini-carinderia nearby the chapel. Psychologically I was waiting for you to pass by. (Un)expectedly you did, not just passed – but seated next to my table. Waah! What have you been doing to me? You get me all addicted. Anyway, you were really friendly – just too friendly. After short talk, you uttered “actually daw wala gid ako ti naintindihan.” I’m sorry for being a nonsense talker, but if only you know that that’s the sense of what i’m actually talking with you. I could have add “amo gid man na basta ginapalangga ka, wala ka ti dapat nga maintindihan.” But i know it would be a popcorn, so i exercised my right to shut up. For a moment i sensed an awkward silence. Then you said you were already leaving. Sure you may, and take care. Do you want me to stop you? =’) Then it came to me. This fatal feeling – longing. I know that could be our last talk for 2007. If only I’ve been too early to write my letter or bring my gift for you, that moment could have been more meaningful.
Going outside, you’re already gone, but thoughts of you linger. I missed you minutes before you came. I even miss you when we talked. I think i’m an awful shooter, i always miss you. It took me a heavy heart leaving that place. It was Christmas vacation and i have nowhere to go but home. Riding the bus while thinking of our last moment was excruciating. Every meter that makes me nearer to home has an equal and opposite reaction of being far away to you. I can’t help it. I want to go back but love has to wait, has to suffer long – and heavy. Perhaps i will die first before the waiting is over. The search has been over but the longing continues. .
On the other hand, at last i’m going home. I want to be home soon before my life will to fall apart in the bus. I miss home. I wish someday i’ll find my “real home” – to be with you again.