The Accounts

The Official Student Publication of University of the Philippines- College of Management, Iloilo City

Desire to Disappear

by Donna Laguardia

There are numerous moments in our lives when we happened to be trapped in a situation wherein it didn’t pass by even just in our wild imagination that someday we will get into it. Situations we were but not ready to face.  And upon the encounter, our initial reaction was predictable. We, most often than not, desired nothing but to escape from the real happenings right in front of us. We would like to run and hide as much as possible or if given the chance. All we just wanted to do was to disappear.

Once, one of my cousins got himself into trouble against a neighbour who happens to be an old nemesis of his late father. So as you can see, this neighbour because he hated my cousin’s father was already been holding a grudge against the 16 year old boy and for as simple as he saw him looking at him while passing by his house, he started shouting and called him names. And not only that, he threatened to kill him too. Right after that, my cousin told my dad and our uncles. And since these informed people were hot tempered when it comes to stuffs like that, they reacted exaggeratedly. They gathered and readied their weapons – guns of different kinds. They talked about the issue and planned to slain the certain neighbour. I witnessed the entire preparation for the bloody action. I was extremely shocked that it was really happening – these people were about to commit a murder.  And they’re actually talking about it right before my eyes. I couldn’t just believe it. All I wanted to do was to disappear.

There was also a time when a number of classmates and I, discussed about our grades. It seems that everyone wasn’t satisfied of what they’ve got, of course, including me. Given this, we mutually agreed that we should raise the issue to our adviser the following day so as to get some explanations why we got only that grade and hoping to feel satisfied. So in the morning of the next day, I gathered enough courage to start what we have planned. I raised my hand, stood up as soon as our adviser acknowledged me and explained our sentiments. After I’m done, I expected that my colleagues will back me up. Unfortunately however, for reasons beyond my knowing, they didn’t. After a while of asking and having no answer but silence, my teacher shouted like hell saying like I’ve been making things up and that I doubted her capability as a teacher. I cried and explained that I didn’t mean anything like that. But she just wouldn’t listen. I didn’t expected things to go that madly bad. All I could think about that moment was to escape. Again, I wanted to disappear.

Several years ago, my friend’s dad died of tuberculosis. Though her father wasn’t been a very good provider but much of a burden they carried in their shoulders for quite a long time because he dedicated all his life in whiskeys, cigarettes and battering his wife and children, I still felt her love for him just by looking at her tears. Then months after the burial of her dad, her mom followed. She died of cancer in the kidneys. My friend was left with five siblings. Of course I could not exactly explain how she felt during that moment. But I have seen such pain and fear in her eyes that even me who was just imagining the feeling during that moment couldn’t bear thinking for so long. I felt pity for her. As I watch her crying her lungs out, I felt so weak. I wanted to leave but my instinct whispered that I shouldn’t. She needs me that was what it was trying to tell me. But the sound of her grieving was unbearable. Again, I wanted to disappear.

There were a lot more instances wherein I could never thought of anything else but wish that I am Susan Storm. But of course, this desire is never satisfied and forever will never be. I’m very well aware that being invisible whenever you wish to, only happens in movies and well, I’m not a movie star but a human being living in the world where reality sometimes is quite heavy to bear. However I probably won’t get tired of desiring, coz sometimes it helps me get out of the mess I never intended to get in. I will always desire to disappear.


Filed under: Essay

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August 2008
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